Divorce itself is destabilizing, even when it’s relatively amicable. Add in betrayal, coercive control, or family court battles, and you’re sitting with clients whose nervous systems are on high alert, whose ability to think clearly is compromised, and whose self-trust may have been eroded for years.

If you don’t understand trauma, you risk misinterpreting your client’s behavior—or worse, re-traumatizing them. That’s why trauma-informed coaching isn’t an “extra skill.” It must be the foundation.

What Trauma-Informed Really Means

Being trauma-informed is about recognizing how trauma shows up in the body, mind, and behavior—and adjusting your approach accordingly. It’s not therapy. It’s not about diagnosing or treating. It’s about awareness, safety, and pacing.

Clients in trauma may:

• Struggle to make decisions (not because they’re “weak,” but because when they’re amygdala — the part of the brain activated during trauma — comes online, their prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for executive function — goes to sleep).

• Recount the same story over and over (because their nervous system hasn’t returned to baseline and is still scanning for danger).

• Seem detached or “flat” (usually indicative of a freeze response rather than disinterest).

• React strongly to small triggers (because their body is wired to detect threat, even where none exists now).

If you don’t recognize these patterns, you may assume your client is “difficult,” “indecisive,” or “unmotivated.” Trauma-informed coaching means you see the deeper truth: their system is doing its best to survive.

How Coaches Can Practice Trauma-Informed Support

1. Prioritize safety. Safety isn’t just physical—it’s emotional. Your tone, pacing, and boundaries create an environment where clients can risk honesty.

2. Slow it down. Trauma recovery happens at the speed of trust. Don’t rush clients to clarity or action before they’re ready.

3. Normalize responses. Saying “This is a normal response to what you’ve been through” can lift shame and open space for healing.

4. Use grounding techniques. Simple practices like pausing for breath, naming sensations, or orienting to the room can help clients regulate in the moment.

5. Know your lane. Trauma-informed doesn’t mean trauma-therapist. If a client needs deeper clinical care, your job is to refer and collaborate, not to “treat.”

Why This Matters in Divorce Coaching

Divorce—especially when abuse or coercive control is present—isn’t just a legal or logistical process. It’s an embodied, emotional, often traumatic experience. If we ignore that reality, we risk giving clients advice they can’t act on, shaming them for being “stuck,” or pushing them past their window of tolerance.

Trauma-informed coaching ensures that your strategies land, your clients feel seen, and you’re not causing additional harm. It helps you recognize when to slow down, when to challenge gently, and when to pull in other professionals.

The Takeaway

Trauma-informed isn’t a certification box to check—it’s a mindset and a commitment. It’s how we honor the reality of what our clients carry and how we ensure our work is ethical.

When you ground your practice in trauma awareness, you’re not just a better coach—you’re a safer one. And in this profession, safety is everything.

Further Reading & Resources:

• Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

• Dr. Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

• Dr. Emma Katz on coercive control and trauma responses

• National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health (NCDVTMH)

The life coaching industry is completely unregulated, which means that anyone can call themselves a life coach—without any training whatsoever. The same is true of divorce coaches. Almost all divorce coaches I know went through a divorce and decided they wanted to help other people do the same. Which is great. But if they don’t have a deep level of training and understanding of all that goes into divorce (beyond their own experience) they are doing their clients an incredible disservice, and putting them in potential danger. Some of these coaches have no training whatsoever and are charging many thousands of dollars because some marketing “expert” told them this is how they’d get a return on the investment they made in said marketing expert’s expensive program. (I’ve been there. It’s enticing—and almost always false.)

Moreover, anyone can create a life coaching certification program or a divorce coaching certification program, take a significant amount of people’s money and brand them “Certified.” Not many people think to ask “By whom?” or “What really goes into this training?” Remember: this is an unregulated industry. There is no state licensure for this (which is a good thing), so the training is completely subjective. Some certification programs last a weekend. Others last 12 weeks. (For context, as you’ll see below, mine lasted years.)

In fact, many coaches find that making money as a coach is really difficult, so they turn to training and certifying other coaches instead. It’s far easier to sell B2B (business-to-business) than B2C (business-to-consumer). (See the marketing expert example above.) I find this very troubling because if they couldn’t make money as a coach, why would they train others to join an industry in which it’s increasingly difficult to make money? (The answer: to make more money.)

As you may or may not know, I began divorce coaching long before it was a thing. There was no certification for divorce coaching, and no one knew what it was when I began. Some of my colleagues say I was the pioneer of this industry. Whether that is true or not, one thing is for sure: I’ve been doing this a long-ass time, and I’ve got A LOT of training under my belt.

For some background, let me tell you a bit about my training and experience.

• 2012: One year training as a life coach with the top coach training organization in the world, moving through five coaching modalities as client, coach, and observer. During this time I began coaching clients, charging $25/hour, so I could keep learning by doing.

• 2013: Another six months of certification training through the same organization, which included intense supervision (during which supervisors listened to recorded coaching calls and gave feedback and direction on my coaching—for which I now charged $45/hour), oral and written exams.

• 2014: Another year training as a relationship systems coach through an affiliated and highly ranked coach training program that specializes in Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching (relationship coaching based in systems theory, the work of John Gottman, among others). It was in this training that I solidified my desire to help people through their divorces.

(Side note: I’m not a therapist, but many of my therapist friends tell me that because of the depth of my training they basically consider me one. I’m not, but I appreciate their confidence in my work and training.)

After all of this foundational training, I finally got to work building my business and client-base. During this time I was hired by a leading global communications consultancy to coach Fortune 500 executives (think CitiBank, Goldman Sachs, BlackRock, etc.) in communication, presentation skills, and emotional intelligence.

The more clients I worked with, the more I learned what they needed, which propelled me to go on to become certified as a Co-Parenting Specialist (by Christina McGhee), as a Domestic Violence Victim’s Advocate (by the State of CA through Laura’s House), and as a High Conflict Divorce Coach (by the inimitable Tina Swithin). I’ve also interviewed hundreds of specialists for my podcast, read their books, and collaborated with some of the top professionals in the industry. I also took it upon myself to take classes in becoming trauma-informed, as all of my clients are dealing with a lot of trauma and I didn’t feel I could hold space for them in good conscience without this additional training.

I don’t have a Divorce Coaching Certification because the certification programs cropped up after I’d been in business for many years. I asked some trusted colleagues who’ve taken them if I should (I’m all for additional learning, as you can see!) and they said there wasn’t much in them that I don’t already know and teach and that it likely wouldn’t be worth the $5K price tag.

One of the things that makes me unique in this industry is the level of training I have as a coach. I don’t see a lot of coach training in divorce coaching certification programs (even in some of the continuing education programs I’ve taken). There’s a lot of information, but not a lot of trauma-informed training in how to support people through one of the most difficult (and most traumatic) times in their lives.

This troubles me deeply.

Divorce isn’t something to be taken lightly (obviously), so if you’re going to put your trust in someone, please make sure it’s someone who is trained not just in “how to get divorced,” but also as a trauma-informed coach who knows how to help guide you through this incredibly difficult time in your life and help you get to the other side with your emotional safety as their top priority.

And let me be very clear: if you’ve hired someone who doesn’t meet these criteria and feel you’ve not been properly supported, it’s not your fault. This is an industry-wide problem which you couldn’t possibly have known about. That’s why my colleagues and I are going to be talking more about it in the coming months. We hope to shed light and make some changes.

Thanks for reading. It’s a lot, but it’s important.

This isn’t a simple calculation of pros and cons. It’s about safety, identity, belonging, and—very often—survival. Clients sit with us carrying a thousand reasons for staying: the children, financial fears, religious or cultural expectations, even loyalty to a partner who has harmed them. For many, leaving feels like tearing the ground out from under their entire world.

Our Role as Coaches

We’re not here to make the decision for our clients. Our role is to guide clients toward clarity they can trust. That clarity often emerges slowly, through untangling fear, identifying patterns, and holding space for truths they’ve been afraid to name.

Here are some of the ways we support that process:

• Separate fear from fact. Staying often has less to do with love and more to do with fear: fear of being alone, of financial instability, of what others will think. Naming fear helps clients see it for what it is.

• Name the patterns. Many clients normalize mistreatment: gaslighting, coercive control, emotional neglect. By naming these behaviors clearly, we validate their experience and make the invisible visible.

• Future-cast. A powerful question is: “If nothing changes, what does your life look like in five years?” This bypasses rationalization and taps into lived truth.

• Anchor safety. If abuse is present, “staying” is not a neutral option. It comes with risks. Coaching must integrate safety planning, even while honoring the client’s autonomy.

The Emotional Complexity

Ambivalence isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a trauma response. It makes sense that clients hesitate, long for the good moments, or cling to the hope of change. Many are grieving not just the relationship, but the future they thought they’d have.

As coaches, our most powerful stance can be to say: “It makes sense that you’re conflicted. Let’s explore this together.”

That stance holds compassion without pressure, clarity without judgment.

The Goal Isn’t a Quick Decision

The coaching process isn’t about rushing clients to “yes” or “no.” It’s about giving them the tools and self-trust to answer in their own time, in alignment with their values and reality.

When they finally do decide, it won’t be because we told them to. It will be because they can finally hear and trust their own inner voice.

And that is the heart of ethical divorce coaching: guiding clients back to themselves.

Further Reading & Resources:

• Kate Anthony, The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage

• Dr. Emma Katz on coercive control and ambivalence in survivors

  Decoding Coercive Control with Dr Emma Katz

  Substack Bestseller. In-depth analysis of the harms caused by domestic violence and abuse, high-quality inspiration for surviving and thriving.

Joan Meier’s landmark research lays bare the numbers: when mothers allege abuse, they lose custody over 40% of the time. If the father counters with an allegation of “parental alienation,” that number skyrockets to 60–70%. These aren’t anomalies. They are predictable outcomes of a system that routinely disbelieves women and minimizes abuse.

Why This Happens

At the root is misogyny. Family courts still operate with outdated stereotypes: mothers are seen as “hysterical” or “vindictive,” while fathers are framed as stable, reasonable, and neutral—even when they are the ones accused of violence or coercive control.

Dr. Emma Katz, a leading researcher on coercive control, has shown how abusers manipulate court systems to continue exerting power post-separation. In her work, she documents how the legal system often colludes—intentionally or not—in this continued abuse. Courts reward fathers for seeking contact, even when it places children at risk, while mothers who raise safety concerns are framed as obstructive or “alienating.”

As Katz writes, survivors face a double bind: if they stay silent, their children remain exposed to harm. If they speak up, they risk being accused of lying, exaggerating, or alienating. It’s a no-win situation that leaves mothers punished simply for trying to protect their kids.

What This Means for Coaches

As divorce coaches, we’re not attorneys, but we’re often the first people our clients tell the full truth. They’ll sit across from us devastated, confused, and enraged by outcomes that feel surreal. Our role is to:

• Validate their reality. The system is biased. Their experience is not “all in their head.” Naming misogyny is part of ethical coaching.

• Prepare them for court dynamics. Encourage clear documentation, consistency in communication, and awareness of how “alienation” claims are weaponized.

• Support without false hope. While we believe in reform, we can’t pretend the system is neutral. Clients need both realism and resilience.

• Protect their hope. Even in a broken system, persistence, advocacy, and strategic support can still make a difference.

Why Our Voice Matters

By staying silent about these systemic injustices, coaches risk colluding with the very biases harming our clients. It’s our job to validate our clients’ experiences of injustice in order to ensure they don’t internalize the system’s misogyny as their own failure.

Naming the bias is not radical. It’s trauma-informed practice. It’s ethical coaching. And it’s essential if we are to stand with survivors in both their personal healing and their systemic battles.

Further Reading & Resources:

• Joan Meier’s Custody Outcomes Study (George Washington University Law)

• Dr. Emma Katz on coercive control and post-separation abuse (Substack + published research)

  Decoding Coercive Control with Dr Emma Katz

  Substack Bestseller. In-depth analysis of the harms caused by domestic violence and abuse, high-quality inspiration for surviving and thriving.

• The Leadership Council’s resources on family court and child custody

Whether you’ve been in this work for a decade, you’re just beginning your journey as a divorce coach, or you’re simply curious about the business side of what I do, you already know: this is no ordinary career. Divorce coaches step into people’s lives at their most vulnerable moments—often when the ground beneath them is shifting in ways they never imagined. Coaches are not here to “fix” anyone, but to walk alongside them with clarity, courage, and compassion.

This Substack exists for one reason: to make us better at that job.

Why This Space Matters

Divorce coaching is still a relatively young profession. We don’t have the decades of codified ethics that therapists do, or the procedural rules of attorneys. That freedom is powerful—but it comes with the responsibility to create our own gold standards. Without them, it’s too easy to blur lines, burn out, or unintentionally cause harm.

At the same time, we work inside a system that is deeply shaped by misogyny. Family court routinely fails protective parents—particularly mothers—when abuse is alleged. Joan Meier’s groundbreaking research found that when mothers allege abuse, they lose custody over 40% of the time. When fathers respond with a “parental alienation” claim, that number jumps to 60–70%. These are not random outcomes; they are the predictable result of systemic bias that prioritizes a myth of “friendly parenting” over child safety.

As coaches, we are often the only professionals who hear the full truth without the filters of legal strategy or therapeutic neutrality. That vantage point is powerful—but it comes with the responsibility to understand the systems harming our clients, and to guide them through without causing further harm.

Who I Am — and Why My Voice Matters Here

I’m Kate Anthony, one of the pioneers of the divorce coaching industry and one of the most respected voices in this field. I’m the host of The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast (with over 3 million downloads), creator of The Divorce Survival Guide coaching methodology, and a certified coach who has spent more than a decade working with women navigating high-conflict divorces and abusive relationships.

I’ve coached thousands of clients, trained other divorce professionals, and built programs that blend trauma-informed practice, strategic planning, and systemic awareness. My work sits at the intersection of emotional support, practical strategy, and fierce advocacy — because I’ve seen firsthand how all three are essential to guiding clients safely through divorce.

I’m not here to gatekeep. I’m here to share what works, call out what doesn’t, and help build a profession that protects clients and challenges the system when it fails them. My voice matters here because I’ve spent years in the trenches, shaping the profession from its early days — and I’ve earned the trust of both my peers and the survivors we serve.

What You Can Expect Here

Each week (or so), I’ll share insights, strategies, and reflections in five main areas:

1. Coaching Practice & Ethics – The guardrails that keep both you and your clients safe.

2. Court Reform & Advocacy – Understanding and influencing the systems our clients navigate.

3. Core Client Struggles – Real-world challenges and how to coach through them effectively.

4. Skill-Building for Coaches – Expanding your toolbox for both the human and systemic aspects of divorce.

5. Business & Professional Growth – Building a practice that’s sustainable, ethical, and profitable.

A Note on Tone & Approach

I won’t sugarcoat the hard truths. The family court system is not neutral. Misogyny isn’t just present—it’s baked into its foundations. But this will never be a place of cynicism. I believe in the work we do. I believe in our ability to grow this profession into one that is respected, trusted, and impactful—not just for our clients, but for the systems they’re up against.

If you’re here, I’m guessing you believe that too.

So, welcome. I’m glad you found your way in. Let’s do the work—together.

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